Last weekend my youngest son turned four. As I watched him laugh and blow out candles, I couldn’t help but think back to when he was born - just seven months before I realised I had Postnatal depression. His first birthday was a simple, cakeless party for five at Legoland Windsor on a cold autumn day: just his mum, dad and older brothers. I repeated something similar again at his second birthday. For a long time I’ve held guilt over that. I compared his early years to my eldest, whose first birthday had three parties and a holiday. I told myself the reason was because I was so lost in the pits of depression - and yes, that was part of it - but the reality is more nuanced. I simply didn’t feel like celebrating. Because although I am so grateful for him, that time also marked the anniversary of the beginning of the darkest time of my life.
Those feelings came up again this year, when I found myself scrambling to organise a party just 48 hours before - though mentally I’d been planning for weeks. I had to take the time and space to face my emotions, to confront the darkness that I had chosen to hide. Because his life deserves celebration. And I needed to let go of the guilt I carried for not being more “thoughtful” when he turned 1 and 2. I needed to accept that I did the best I could in those circumstances.
Takeaway #1: Guilt is a natural response - but it doesn’t have to define your narrative.
Guilt after post-natal depression is a common thread. Those of us who’ve walked through that fog often see “failures” in the things we didn’t do: parties, milestones, memories. According to mental-health experts, feelings of guilt in PND often stem from the sense of not being the mum you thought you’d be. The truth is: you are doing enough. You are enough. Your child’s love for you doesn’t hinge on the candles you blew or the balloons you hung.
Takeaway #2: Comparison steals joy.
I used to compare birthday one of my eldest to my youngest’s early years. The result? A guilty mother feeling inadequate. One study into “mum guilt” points out that it often arises when we compare ourselves to perceived perfection - whether other mums on Instagram or a mental image of what we should have done. I challenge you (and myself) to stop comparing. Your journey, with its detours and dips, is unique. Your child’s story deserves your full presence, not your regrets.
Takeaway #3: Mark the moment intentionally - the present matters more than the past.
This year, I gave myself permission to celebrate now. A last-minute party, yes, but the intention was clear: this boy, that laughter, that snapshot of life, they matter. I recognise that my earlier years were overshadowed by depression, and that’s okay. I accepted I did the best I could then. Now I show up differently. And that shift is powerful.
Takeaway #4: Sit with your feelings - guilt and shame thrive in silence.
It took me time to allow myself to feel the pain, to face the darkness that I had tucked away. Studies highlight that shame and guilt in the postnatal period are not just “sad feelings” - they can compound depression and hinder recovery. We don’t help ourselves by hiding. We heal when we acknowledge. So give yourself that space. Talk. Write. Cry. Then breathe.
Takeaway #5: Be gentle. You don’t need to “make up for it".
I once thought I needed to “make up” for the early years: elaborate parties, extravagant presents. But then I realised what my son needs most is me showing up. Not the perfect party. Not the Pinterest-worthy cake. Just a mother who is present, connected, and full of love. So if you’re reading this and you’re carrying guilt from motherhood, know this: you’re not late. You’re not broken. You’re just human and you’re here.
Sitting with guilt and shame is the quickest way to ruin future moments especially as a mother. Instead of living in what should have been, choose what can be. Celebrate now, lean into connection, allow your story to shift. Because in the end, it isn’t the size of the party that matters, it’s the strength of the presence.
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